What influences your choice of clothes?

My family’s opinions are a top priority for me. I don’t want to have any problems with them, and I’m not the type of person to defy them. Even though I have my own desires, I would never become that person. That’s why their priorities matter to me; however, there are certain areas where I’ve earned their respect by gradually getting them to accept my choices—like my short hair, for instance. They’ve slowly gotten used to it, though by 'slowly,' I mean it’s been about six years. Regarding clothes, I’ve never liked wearing revealing outfits, and I still don’t. I often find myself caught between femininity and masculinity. I try to lean more toward a ‘School Vibe’ because I feel that’s what my family thinks suits me best. Whenever I dress in that style, I receive compliments, which clearly shows what they like and dislike. On the other hand, I’ve never had a positive reaction from either my family or my relatives when wearing very baggy clothes or things like ties. (Even if my friends love that look, my family, of course, comes first.) It’s not that I don’t dress that way at all; I just don't do it around my family and relatives. When I’m where they can't see me, spending time with my friends, I dress more masculinely.

Would you say that you’ve internalized this situation and found a middle ground between your own desires and what is expected of you?

I’ve internalized it now; this situation is no longer an issue for me. But there was a very long period when I struggled with it. As I get older, I’ve come to accept it. I don't think my younger years were particularly easy in this regard. I had to restrict myself a lot. I wanted to do things—when you're younger, you want to act on your desires, and that causes problems, even though they weren't really things that should have caused problems. I respect them, and since I want them to respect me in return, we’ve found a middle ground.

So, you wouldn’t say you feel completely free in this regard, then?

No, I can't say that. Definitely not. And it’s not just about my family. Given the current news and the events targeting women, I simply can't feel free. For instance, wearing makeup when my hair is very short makes me feel extremely anxious—even though I love wearing makeup and nail polish. Red has always been my color. But doing these things makes me very tense because I’m aware that, in the eyes of society, what I’m doing doesn’t 'make sense.' They don’t see it the way I do. No matter how old I get, this tension will persist as long as I live in this society.

In that case, how much are you affected by the gender codes in clothing- the expectation for a woman to look ‘like a woman’ or a man to look ‘like a man,’ or the choice not to?

Spiritually and emotionally, I have a completely feminine energy. When it comes to clothing, I don’t think it should be something that makes things this complicated. Because it’s just a textile, a fabric, a garment. It cannot define who you are. Wearing whatever you feel like that day makes you feel better psychologically. I prefer to dress however I want, however my soul feels best, and I believe that is the right way.

If your family had never given you any space for the look you chose for yourself, and if you had stayed in the feminine appearance they deemed appropriate for you, to what extent would that bother you now, or how much did it bother you in the past?

I was deeply saddened by what happened in the past because a family’s support is the most important thing. That’s why them forcing me into something pushed me away from them for a while. If that situation had continued, we might have had to go our separate ways; because when things turn into an imposition, it leads you straight into depression—and it might not even be about clothes anymore. When something is forced upon you, you feel overwhelmed and just want to escape.

So, who do you look up to when it comes to your style of dress?

It took a long time for my style to fall into place; in fact, we can’t even say I have a settled style yet. I’ve had an admiration for Korea since middle school. Later on, I discovered K-pop groups. I felt their style was very close to mine because it was so comfortable. They were trying to break down certain stereotypes, and I really liked that. This isn't something a regular person could easily get the world to accept. But because they are popular singers representing their country, they influenced me deeply. Very slowly, step by step, I first cut my hair short, and then I did a little shopping. I bought jackets and ties. There are times when I only wear sweatpants and plain t-shirts now; I never used to have clothes like that. I bought them bit by bit, and I grew up alongside those K-pop groups. Whatever style they are in, I feel like I'm in that style too.

Thank you so much for participating in my project. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

I was in a space where I felt more comfortable, and I was able to pose freely. The freedom of being able to do this without any restrictions is truly something else. Even in an environment with a camera, which can normally be very tense, I felt so at ease; I hope that in the coming years, I can be just as comfortable out in the world. That is my only wish for the entire country and society.